Siblings of Special Needs Children in the Same School

   It is always a two edged sword to have a sibling at the same school. You have the reassurance of knowing you have someone who always has your back, but you also have the teen anxiety and embarrassments that always seem to follow with family relationships at this age.  Both of these seem to be amplified when one of the siblings is a special needs child.  As a parent and teachers we need to be sensitive to the siblings to allow them to enjoy their school experience and develop as normally as possible.

     While at home, many siblings take on extra care and supervisory roles of their special needs siblings.  It becomes second nature for these care takers to seek out their siblings and spend their social time to be sure their brother or sister has friends and is doing well at school.  While to a parent this may be reassuring, it holds back the care taker sibling from developing friendships and social skills appropriate to their age group, and it does not allow the special needs child the independence to grow either. If the Sibling wants to join a Circle of Friends organization that is great, but their time should be spent with other kids not their sibling. The idea is to expand the Circle beyond the family and caretakers.

   Public displays of affection, PDA, are another problem teachers often have to deal with when siblings of special needs students attend the same school. What might be acceptable at home is not acceptable in the school setting.  It is important to teach our students that there are appropriate times and places for demonstrating these feelings.  This needs to be communicated to the parents as well, so they understand the expectations and can discuss it at home. What is cute for a 5-8 year old becomes annoying for a 10-12 year old, and uncomfortable from a 15-20 year old.  These subtle changes are difficult for our special needs children to learn, and it is easier for them to master the boundaries that will be expected from them sooner rather than later.

   It is very important not to hand over your “power” as a teacher or care giver to a parent or sibling. When in a school setting it may be tempting to call a sibling in to calm a child who is upset.  Once you have crossed this line, the child learns they can use this behavior to get their sibling.  The sibling is there for their own education.  You are there for the special needs child.  Let the siblings have their time.  If the siblings are responsible for pick up at the end of the day, that is fine, but until then, the school day is their time and should be respected as such.

  It can be a joy to have siblings on the same campus.  You get a unique insite into the loving relationships of a family.  It is important to respect the development of both students and individuality of both students in these situations.  Get to know the siblings and show interest in what they are doing.  They will appreciate the attention being showered on them for their own unique personalities.

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For more information on siblings in the same school, you may want to start here:

What Siblings Would Like Parents and Service Providers to Know

Siblings of Special Needs Children

When to Let Your Special Needs Child Use The Public Restroom Alone

I was reading through some Facebook pages and found an interesting stream of conversation.  People were discussing how to handle taking people with special needs into public restrooms.  I found this very interesting because my students use the public restroom at school.  For some it is their first exposure to using the bathroom on their own. As their Life Skills Teacher, I feel it is important to make them independent enough to be able to use these facilities on their own, but being a woman it is difficult for me to relate to the issues that face the boys. Luckily I have a male Paraprofessional and wonderful relationships with my parents to help me navigate these waters.

    It is very import to go over the procedures and rules of the public restroom just as you would a classroom.  This is a new environment for many.  Give them the vocabulary they will need: stall, urinal, seat cover, sanitary bin. Make sure you go over social expectations.  Do boys talk to each other while they are at the urinals?  Do you look through the cracks in the stall doors and watch other?  Is it appropriate to wait for your friends to finish or should you leave as soon as you are done?  If you pull your pants all the way down to urinate, do you use a urinal or do you use a stall? If you are not sure of these answers discuss it with male co-workers or the child’s parents.  It is also a good thing to take a “field trip” to the restroom, close it off for a few minutes to other students and go over the rules and expectations there.

     If your student’s need supervision at first, use the restroom while the other students are in class and close it to the others for the time you are in there. This will make it less awkward for everyone involved. If it is possible to have two male staff members to supervise in the boy’s restroom, that is best, but if not, use one male to supervise the boys.   I would suggest he stand at the door with it open just a crack to protect him from any one questioning what an adult is doing in the boys restroom. The same goes for the girls with a female teacher. If a boy has not used the urinal before and wants to, ask his father to teach him and have him use the stall until his father has taught him.  As soon as the students are proficient, the teacher should start backing out and giving them independence, just checking in less and less until they are doing it all on their own.

  As parents, you have a much tougher choice.  This is a hard decision even when dealing with a child who does not have a disability.  When do you start letting your child use the public restroom on their own?  I know with my own children, it was a gradual thing.  I first sent them in with a friend or in a small safe environment and stood close where I could monitor.  When you have a special needs child the same process needs to be followed.  Send them in with a friend or buddy at first to see if they can handle it. Be sure to go over the rules and expectations each time before you send them on their way.  You may even want to set a reward if they can do it.  If they cannot, you know they are not ready. Do not give up on giving your child this independence.  Go places at times you know the restrooms may be empty and let them work at it. Wal-Mart is not as busy in the evenings. It will be a learned skill like any other.

    If using a public restroom on their own is not a possibility and you are dealing with a child of the opposite sex, I have a couple suggestions to try.  If you are at a mall, go into one of the stores and ask to use their restroom.  Explain your situation.  You may be surprised. If you must use the opposite sex restroom, lock the door for the few minutes you are in there with your child, or have someone in your party let others know before they walk in to give them the choice of waiting. You can even make and carry a small sign with you if you find this to be a common occurrence in your lifestyle.  Many people may not care, but being given the choice rather than having things thrust on them and knowing you are being sensitive to them will make them more sensitive and accepting of you and your situation.

   Using the public restroom seems like such an easy common place task, but having children with special needs can make it so much more difficult.  Taking the time to pre-teach and practice the skills can help make the transition from dependence to independence easier and more rewarding for all involved. 

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For more information you may want to start here:

I Want to Go to the Public Restroom by Myself

Hygiene and Related Behaviors for Children and Adolescents with Autism and Related Disorders

Special Victories Can Your Day

What is a victory? Is it making the football team? Is it winning the Spelling Bee?  Is it Getting a 100 on your Spelling Test?  These are the types of things parents and teachers think about when they have yet to begin their adventures with special needs children.  When dealing with these amazing kids, we have different victories.  Our victories happen when we least expect them and may seem trivial to others, but to us and those who understand these victories are just as amazing if not more so than making the football team or scoring a homerun.

   It is very important to celebrate the small victories with our kids.  At school, when my students master a new concept they have been working on for a while, we make a big deal out of it.  They get to pick special stickers, the class congratulates them, and they get to choose an adult from the school they want to show off their achievement to.  These achievements vary from student to student depending on their abilities:  learning to add single digit numbers using a number line or touch points, mastering 5 times tables, or maybe reading a short paragraph independently.  The important thing is to allow the children to be proud of their learning and achievement.

  Not all celebrations and victories are academic.  With special need children there are so many goals we as caregivers and teachers are working on daily. It can be exhausting.  Do not forget to see the progress.  A high five is a wonderful form of acknowledgement for your child because it is shared between both of you.  You have worked together so celebrate together.  When a child spontaneously says hello, comes out of the restroom with clothes straightened independently, uses a calming technique without a cue, or asks for help spontaneously give praise and a high five.  Take a moment to bask in the moment that the child has grown, and do a little victory dance!  If a tear falls, know you are not alone in knowing that these moments are hard earned and those who are members of the “in group” share in your pride.

  This is where communication between teachers and parents is so important.  It is important for the parent to share the victories at home with the teacher so the school can support them.  It is important for the teacher to share them with home so the parents can see the progress and share in the victories of their child.  We are so lucky to be in the age of email.  It only takes a moment to send a quick email and say,” I am so proud, she did such and such today.  We took her paper to Mr. Smith to share. She was so proud of her work.” What is great about this is you can also read it aloud to the student and it is another form of affirmation.  With all the correction and redoing our kids have to do, there is never too much praise and affirmation for a job well done!

  Take time to enjoy the small victories that happen.  They add up.  I always say,” baby steps, baby steps,” it may be slower, but if you keep moving you will get where you need to be. Do not forget to take pride in your child’s achievements no matter how small or great!

For more information you may want to start here:

Inspirational Message

Talking to Your Child About Their Disability

    One of the hardest questions I have to discuss with parents is “does your child knows about their disability?”  Most parents are at a loss for how to discuss this with their child.  They have many different reasons for not wanting to discuss it.  Some parents do not want their children to think of themselves as any different as other members of the family or class. Others do not want their child to use it as a crutch or excuse. Yet others are still in denial themselves over the reality of their child’s future. For whatever reason, they look at me and ask, is that really necessary? 

     It is necessary for a child with any kind of disability, be it sensory, ADHD, Down’s Syndrome, Autism, or any of a plethora of others to understand why they are having more difficulty than those around them.  It is essential for their self-esteem and for them to understand why they are getting the services they are getting. This understanding allows them to work with and not against their service providers. A couple examples I like to give parents are these: If your child were blind, would you let them think everyone in the world around them was blind as well and they were just bad at it? No, you would explain that others could see and thus traverse the world more easily.  If your child is lactose intolerant, do you tell your child they will get sick from the milk products because their body is missing something, or do you just tell them you are being mean and won’t let them have chocolate milk and ice-cream? Everyone has a right to know so they can take ownership and work with their disability instead of working against it.

  How and what you tell your child are going to be the complicated parts.  It is a similar scenario to adoption.  The longer you wait, the messier it gets.  I have found in my experience that the students who have been raised knowing all along have the healthiest attitudes.  It is just a part of who they are no big deal.  If it is too late for that, talk with teachers and support staff who know the child to come up with a plan that suits your child’s needs.

  How does a child knowing about their disability help in the classroom?  When manifestations of the disability occur, a teacher can explain to the student, “This is because of xxx ( fill in the disability), let’s think: how can we find a way to make this work for you?” It can take some of the pressure off of the child. Another example: Let’s say you have a child with autism who is getting very upset over a change in the schedule that came unexpectedly.   You can calm him by saying “this is your autism making you upset, take a deep breath, are you going to win or is the autism?”  Of course this will not work for everyone on the spectrum, but it can be effective for many.  It can also work for student with Down ’s Syndrome or ADHD. Giving the child some control over their disability can be very empowering.

  There are not many books out there to help you discuss a child’s disability with them.  I have written one book, Let's Talk About Being in Special Ed that discusses special education, but not a specific disability.  I am currently working on a book to help explain Autism to children on the spectrum.  The important thing to remember is that it is just a part of them that they can learn to define rather than have it define them.  Remember you have a support team with your teachers and school staff: use them to help give you advice that is specific to your child and talk with your child.  Once you do that, it will take one more pressure off of you.

For more information you may want to start here:

-Should You Tel lYour Child They Have ADHD

Getting Started: Introducing Your Child to His or Her Diagnosis of Autism or Asperger Syndrom

Explaining_Learning_Disabilities_to_Your_Child