Letting go of the Apron Strings

         I want you take a minute and imagine that someone took away your power to make any decisions for yourself each day.  They told you what to wear, eat, where to go and what to do at all times. Now, imagine for whatever reason, you could not tell them what you wanted or how you felt about it.  In our society that is what we call prison and punishment.  For our children with the greatest special needs this is their daily life.  As care givers it is important for us to step back and remember this and try to find ways to let them have as much control over their lives as possible.

     With a normally developing child, it can be terrifying to let our children go and spread their wings knowing they will fall and bump as they learn to fly.  When a child has special needs, that fear is magnified. We cannot let our fears hold them back for it will only frustrate them more.  Try to keep in mind both the cognitive age of the child, the developmental age, as well as the chronological age when deciding what kind of control to give them and how to let them have it. Making it a team decision between school, therapists and home can help so that consistency is maintained and independence reinforced.  Everyone’s end goal is the same: to see the child as independent and happy as an adult as possible.

    How can you give the child independence and self-determination?   At home you can let your child choose their clothing and participate in shopping.  You can give them a choice in the order they get things done.  With their bed room, you can ask if they like the color and or decorations and change them.  It does not mean to give them control of the family, but to make them an active rather than passive member.  At school a teacher can do this as well by using a child’s interests in assignments.  Or letting them read a book of choice.  Giving the class a vote on two activities either of which fits the criteria needed also lets them feel empowered.  We sometimes feel it is easier for us to have our students sit together so we can assist them.  Give them a larger section or find peer buddies to help out so they feel less constrained.  When walking in the halls, let go of the notion of a straight line, let them walk and back off a little giving them a feeling of independence and confidence.  All of these small things add up to an individual who is learning to handle themselves confidently in the real world while we are still there to assist if need be.  You would be surprised at how little the assistance is really needed once they get the hang of it.

  If we are ever going to see our children as more than dependent special needs children, we need to start treating them as such.  We need to stop treating them as prisoners of their disability, controlling every aspect of their lives and teach them to make decisions and choices for themselves.  We need to encourage them to make mistakes and learn from them without getting upset before they are adults just as we do with our other children.  Let our little birds fly and they will soar.